Saturday, October 15, 2011

Review: An Accidental Mother by Katherine Anne Kindred



An Accidental Mother by Katherine Anne Kindred is a memoir in which the author recounts the relationship she developed with her boyfriend's young son, Michael, and the devastation she felt when he was taken from her. This short (225 pages) but powerful book shows the reader the relationship that developed between Michael and Katherine which makes the removal of Michael from Katherine so painful. When Katherine began dating Jim she knew he had a son from a prior relationship; he had full custody of the boy since Michael's mother had some issues with drugs and was not involved in their son's life. Jim also had a daughter, Elizabeth, from another relationship but he shared custody of Elizabeth with the girl's mother.

Initially, Katherine was merely Michael's father's girlfriend and Jim really performed all the parenting and caretaking duties for Michael. As Jim and Katherine's relationship continued and they moved in together, Katherine began doing more and more with and for Michael. It is clear he depended on her as a son would a mother and she provided the motherly love that he was sorely missing from his own mother. Despite the fact that Katherine had not wanted children, she began to care deeply for Michael and felt her life was enriched by his presence.

Unfortunately, as Katherine's love for Michael deepened, her relationship with Jim soured and they decided to separate. Initially, Jim agreed that Katherine would remain in Michael's life and they carefully explained to the boy that although they would no longer be together it did not change Katherine's love for Michael. Somewhat abruptly, however, Jim decided to move out taking Michael with him. Katherine was devastated - she felt betrayed by Jim but mostly mourned the huge loss of the child to whom she had become a mother. She was able to see Michael a few times once he and Jim moved out but ultimately Jim blocked her from seeing the boy altogether claiming it was in his son's best interest and would be confusing for him to still see Katherine. He completely ignored the fact of how difficult it could be for Michael to lose yet another Mother.

Katherine tells her story in a very matter of fact way - there is little flowery language - just plainly stated facts. The style increases the impact of the book and makes her loss that much more raw. Between chapters, the author includes quotes from both Elizabeth and Michael which were sweet and funny observations on life that only children, in their innocence, can make. Which brings me to the one thing that bothered me about the book - Katherine's relationship with Elizabeth - or lack thereof. Katherine's story focuses almost exclusively on Michael even though Elizabeth spent 50% of her time at Jim and Katherine's house. Katherine talked about taking care of her as she did Michael - doing the bedtime routine, going on outings and preparing for school. However, she seemed emotionally disconnected from the young girl; she tried to explain the difference in her relationship with Elizabeth and Michael by the fact that Elizabeth had a mother with whom she had a relationship and she only spent half-time at their house while Michael lived with them full-time and had essentially been abandoned by his birth mother. Both explanations make perfect sense but somehow the author's disconnect from Elizabeth still seemed out of place for me.

Regardless of her relationship with Elizabeth, her relationship with Michael was touching and it was devastating to see him taken from her. I can't imagine how Jim could so hurt and betray Katherine not to mention what it might have done to his son. Read this book if you want to see the many ways in which motherhood can be defined. It would also be a great gift to anyone that is an "unofficial" mother in your or someone's life.

Thank you to Caitlin at Unbridled Books for sending me a review copy of this book. 

12 comments:

  1. I'm anxious to read this book, even though it sounds heartbreaking. It sounds like it should be a wake-up call to divorced parents.

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  2. Yes - definitely a wake-up call for divorced parents and those who are in relationships with divorced parents.

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  3. I'm thinking she developed such a stronger bond with Michael because she felt like he needed her more whereas Elizabeth already had another mother figure that she would have had to compete for and would never really replace. Michael's father sounds selfish. Would be interested in his "side". So many parents do things like that and don't put their children's needs first. It's a shame!

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  4. Sounds an emotional roller coaster. Somewhat similar situation to what I had to face when a child from my orphanage was taken away by his mother after I had looked after him from 3 months to five years. Never saw the child again. It was very tough for a long while.

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  5. This sounds like a difficult read. My parents divorced when I was 3 and it was always hard when they would break up with their new boyfriend or girlfriend, for everyone involved. Ugg, divorce!

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  6. Great review, I hadn't heard of this book before, but you definitely made me want to read it.

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  7. It does seem as though the author might have had more of a connection with Elizabeth, perhaps not quite the same as she had with Michael, but you wouldn't expect a disconnect.

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  8. There are times when the reality is that adults need to understand that they need to stick together if they expect or want the kid/s to remain a part of their lives. I think this is only even more true for a child and parent who have been attempting a remarriage. Parents who gave or received rejection by another parent of their offspring are often even less inclined to lose their affection with another adult who also wants to choose the child/ren over the adult relationship. i say this as someone who has tried it.

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  9. I have been intrigued by this book. As a fellow woman who doesn't wnat to have kids, I used to really worry about this situation when dating (thank God, found a BF who's on the same page as me!) And having had stepparents, and having also fallen completely in love with my nanny charges back in college, I do really identify with Katherine, and yet I think that's exactly what stops me from picking this book up. As much as I do like sad books, I think this one would just be too heartbreaking for me.

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  10. I think this would be such a difficult situation … for her and for Michael. And I think your critique of the book is well founded.

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  11. I picked this one up at BEA but haven't gotten to it yet. I think I'll relate to it; before I married my second husband and officially became a stepmother, I was in a similar position with his kids. I'm now a bit more curious about Katherine's relationship with the daughter. It makes sense to me that there would be boundaries because her mother WAS in the picture, but that doesn't have to preclude an attachment. Thanks for the review!

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  12. This subject hits close to home because I have a stepdaughter. I know that if something were to happen to my husband or we were to split up, Ally could be out of my life. It is a hard pill to swallow when it is a child you love and have helped to raise.

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